Frustration

  **This is us taking a nap in the hospital. That's all there is to do really**

Today Jayme is at the highest dose of Sotorol. I am intentionally not looking up information on this drug, though it's taking everything in me not to. I feel like there must be a better way, a more natural way to control his heart and I'm afraid of later regretting just sitting on our hands and doing whatever the doctors tell us to. He is not a person to them, not a husband, a son, or a father. He is a name on a lot of pieces of paper. What is it to them if the "best" thing for him is to be on medication for the rest of his life? It's not their life. Ok I am ending the ranting now. But obviously it was all in me, so I might as well get it out. There, I'm done. 

This is not my strongest moment as you can see. I would say that "frustrated" best describes me right now. I suppose the frustration is just added to by other things going on in life that I can't elaborate on that begin to pile up and before you know it, you're having a morning like I'm having today :) 

It's a focus issue really. I have to choose to keep my eyes forward. Not to things in the past, even just as recent as yesterday, and not to things closing in on either side of me. Only forward, only on my Father. He's the only one with the right answers anyway. He's the only one with the real control even when we like to pretend we have it. 

Jayme will be in the hospital until Wednesday at least. He will be on this dose of Sotorol until tomorrow morning and if it has not worked, then they will schedule a cardiovert (?) which is the shock. If it does work, then it will still be 24 hours after his heart goes back into rhythm before he is released. The same goes if the cardiorevert works. They think and hope that this dose should move his heart into rhythm. Amen and Amen.

p.s. sorry I'm grumpy